Chasing After The Wind 3:1

Book 3

                                                                        1

When I finally came off the throttle in the middle of the sweltering afternoon heat Ally was waiting for me out front at her sisters bungalow in Scottsdale, Arizona. I could see her standing in the shade of the stoop as I rode up the street to the little house that sat centered on a small plot of dried grass and dirt a couple blocks off of Camelback Road. She came walking towards me and waving as I pulled into the drive next to an older jeep wrangler that was parked out front. Removing my helmet I shone a great and true smile upon my face; and Ally seeing me grinning in that way cut right into me saying,

“Don’t go looking at me that way, Henry Wolf. You had your chance.” And she laughed and I did too as I got up off the seat and dragging my leg over top of the bike I stood upright and she opened her arms wide and gave me a big hug.

“Noticed me ogling you, eh?” I said to her with a wink.

“You lecherous cretin, you don’t fool me. Not one bit.” She replied continuing the ruse. “And besides you stink to high heaven and look like hell. Is this what the road’s done to you? ” And I began to laugh at my own expense as I briefly mulled it over.  Man, it was easy with her like that. It could have been a day, 7,000 miles, or a jubilee and the agreements between us would undoubtedly remain as always. And it was good to see her again.

“Something like that.” I said feeling slightly embarrassed by my haggard appearance in front of her after not seeing her for many months. “I ended up pitching a tent out along the eastern face of the canyon last night. A shower wasn’t part of the deal.”

“Oh you know I’m only kidding, Henry. Gracie and I were actually worried about you last night when I couldn’t get through to you. And then she went filling up my head with all sorts of horrible possibilities, but I told her you have angels guarding over you and that they seem more concerned with your well being than you yourself are so that even if you did get yourself into a predicament that you’d be alright on account of that grace.”

“No predicaments to report, only profundities, Ally. It was crazy actually, there was another guy out there, and it was remote, and you won’t believe it but he was from Cedar Falls.”

“..Iowa?..”

“Yes ma’am. I was shocked. Great dude, too,..his name was Jake. A military veteran. Said he was out there trying to lose some of his own madness. I had coffee with him this morning. I felt his pain. It was strange in its familiarity yet entirely unique in its authenticity.”

“How sad. That breaks my heart a little. How long had he been out there?”

“I’m not really sure. I think he said something about a couple of weeks but I could be wrong about that. And maybe he didn’t want me to know the truth of it, either. Really the only thing we even talked about was you fine women.” I said with another endearing wink that Ally picked right up on.

“Oh Jesus…” she said perfectly.

“…hey now,  I’ll have you know I did some hard work on myself since I left Austin. It’s not so easy letting go. I think I just keep waiting for big moments and forget it’s a process sometimes.”

“Did you, now?” Ally began, condescendingly, but she pivoted tenderly, “well I’m happy to hear that, Henry. I worried, you know.”

“I know you did, Ally. And it was comforting knowing that, I promise you. I think that was the thing that struck me about this Jake fella; he truly seemed all alone out there in the wilderness. I know I’ve got people.”

“He didn’t mention any of his friends or family?”

“Only the woman who had broken his heart.”

“You poor boys and your foolish hearts.”

“Yeah and what’s wrong with our foolish hearts?”

“Nothing. They’re sweet I think. Until they get all mixed up with your foolish heads also.” And her saying that made me laugh yet again.

“Well I’m clear of all that now. I’ve had some visions since I left Texas. I’m telling you… wild synchronicities… ”

“ Yeah well, let’s get in out of this heat. You can tell me all about your epiphanies inside.”

“Is your sister home?”

“No she just ran to the store but she should be back soon. You can shower up if you’d like in the meantime.”

I lifted my shirt to my nose and then scrunching my face I replied, “probably a good idea. It is likely to be a short stay if I don’t and your sister catches wind of me.” And that got us both chuckling as I began to unpack the motorcycle.

Ally helped me with the tent and I grabbed my pack and also the small cooler that was in the saddle bag. Once inside Ally showed me back to the extra bedroom and I set my things down on the creaking hardwood floor before checking the cooler to find out the condition Val’s chocolates were in.

“Whatcha got there, Henry?”

“Well…” I began as I unzipped the top of the cooler bag, “I picked up some mushrooms on the road and I’d forgotten about them this afternoon and the heat got’ em a bit it seems.”

“Mushrooms! Like magic mushrooms?”

“You know it, they were a gift from some friend’s I stayed with in Santa Barbara. We took them and then went out to this bluff overlooking the Pacific, and hiked down to a remote beach to watch the sun set. It was amazing.” Ally looked at me throughly bemused and stayed utterly silent for what felt like the longest time before she said back to me,

“Dear God,  what else will you tell me next?” as she began to laugh.

“Well I could tell you the story of how the CIA dosed me with a gel like drug while up in Washington. But turns out rather that it was just this rambling man I met up there on a motorcycle named Lucky,  and my pal didn’t understand what a dab implied concerning the dosage and so I was simply stoned out of my mind on cannabis gel.” I replied hoping to garner more of her laughter. And man, it did and it set my mind at ease in an instant.

“What in the hell, I didn’t think that was possible.” She finally said once she regained her composure somewhat.

“Neither did I, but you might after hearing that story. I promise you. I’ll save that one for later, perhaps. Think it’s alright if I put the chocolates in the freezer for a bit though?”

“Here…, let me have them.” She said while now shaking her head at me. “I’ll do it for you while you get a shower.”

So I handed Ally the bag with the chocolates in them; and then afterwards she showed me to the bathroom. I had to all but peel my clothing from off of my skin. But once I stepped into the warm shower the water relaxed me further and it felt like a good shower does when you are at home after a long days work outside. By the time I had finished rinsing off and changing clothes I could hear from down the hall that Ally’s sister, Gracie, had returned.  So I meekly strode down the hallway into the kitchen where the two were talking while mixing some frozen concoctions in the blender.

“You must be Henry.” Gracie said to me, and the resemblance to her sister was uncanny, man. Both girls were tall and blonde haired with big beautiful aquamarine blue eyes, and Gracie had a smile that was like that of Ally’s to in that it disarmed me instantly and without effort and I’m sure I blushed as I looked at the two of them standing there as they were. Gracie walked over towards me with that smile on her face as she continued by asking me, “Margarita or Daiquiri?” And before I could answer either way she gave me a hug with one arm and with the other lifted the pitcher up for me to take a sip, “this being the margarita.” And I steadied the container before my lips and took a slurp of the frozen lime concoction and it was delicious.

“Henry isn’t much of a drinker, Gracie. Don’t peer pressure him too much.” Ally said to her.

“Well maybe he’s parched.” She replied with a wink and a smile my way. “whatcha say, Henry?”

“I am parched. And besides, only a fool would decline an iced drink in the desert.”

“See! Well then, it’s a party.” Gracie said as she turned back towards the blending machine, “which one will you have, Henry?”

“Might as well have both.”

“He’ll have both!” Gracie said as she jokingly sneered towards Ally who was leaning cross armed against the kitchen counter. Ally was already looking over to me with that ‘don’t you even dare think it’ look on her face and I picked right up on it too and I snickered loudly to Ally who was subtly shaking her head at me.

“What’s so funny?” Gracie asked as she turned facing us. A grin now upon my face.   

“Oh, Henry has a mild case of heat exhaustion. He just needs to cool off a bit.” Ally replied on my behalf. And I chuckled  because Ally was right and I did need to cool off.

“Well this oughta help.” Gracie said as she added a healthy pour of tequila into the pitcher and turned the blender back on and then once finished poured the margaritas into three salted glasses she had set on the counter next to the blender. And she handed them to Ally and I and then we all clanked our glasses together in cheers.

“Henry, what time does your friend get in tomorrow?” Gracie asked me.

“Honestly I’m not sure. I’ll try and call him quick to find out.” I replied reaching into my pocket for my phone.

“Here… let me have it once you’ve dialed him. I’ll get all the details.” She said grabbing the phone from my hand as it began to ring. “Hello! Is this….Whats his name?,” she whispered to me covering the phone.

“…Johnny…” I answered and she gave me the thumbs up as she turned away.

“…Is this Johnny?” She continued as she walked into the living room. Once Gracie was out of the kitchen Ally and I continued to chat and to catch up. She looked different to me now. I surmised it was because I was no longer hung up on Sara and could see Ally as she really was. The way she’d always been but for my condition. And she did seem even more attractive to me standing there than she had the months prior while I stayed with her in Austin. Yet the easiness of our friendship had not changed in the slightest and I was thankful for that above all else. She informed me of her preparations for the big move to Australia at months end. And also how Austin really had seemed to change since I’d left. There was no real tension between us now that I think back on it and I was rather amazed for that to have been the case all things being considered. From the other room Gracie re-emerged and still talking on the phone with Johnny as she walked over to pour the rest of the margarita pitcher into her glass. As she walked back out she made the pac-man motion with her hand and pointing to the phone and I chuckled because I knew instantly what she meant.

“What’s so funny?” Ally asked me.

“Your sisters response to Johnnys tendency to talk a bit.”

“Oh I got ya. So you two have known each other how long again?”

“Literally since the day I was brought home from the hospital as a baby.”

“Thats crazy. So like almost fifty years then?” She said with a wry smile.

“Funny. Though, sadly, you’re within a decade nowadays.”

“Oh Henry stop teasing me.. you aren’t 40…are you really?”

“I am.”

“Well you don’t look it. I thought you were my age, honestly.”

“You are always kind to me, Ally.”

“I’m serious. You look young.” And hearing her say that made me smile ear to ear. I didn’t care if she was simply being kind or telling me her truth as she saw it. I accepted.

“It’s crazy for me to think I am the age that my dad was when I was born. I actually thought about that not long ago when I was crossing the plains of Kansas. I had a head full of worry. I’m happy to see you again now that that isn’t so.” I said to her.

“Likewise… You seem lighter. It’s good to see you like this. I really was so very worried when you left Austin as abruptly as you did. A couple of weeks after you’d gone I was talking to my friend, Sarah, and she asked about you and I told her you had gone to the cabin in the woods just like the two of you had decided; and she told me that in all her years of practicing acupuncture and reiki healing that she had never seen eyes like yours. She said they seemed so sad and full of hurt. I will see her for my going away party next weekend. I’m happy I get to tell her that you are well.”  She said as she took a sip from her glass and peered over the rim at me.

I always liked the way she and I talked to one another. I'd missed her. I hadn’t realized how much I missed her until we stood there in the kitchen trying to keep it to small talk and sipping from our drinks. It was a perplexing moment for me after all the miles since I’d said goodbye to Texas in that I wasn’t able to square it away simply as a means of time and distance. I felt like I was a man changed. And I realized in the moment Ally was the first person to have seen me that could know whether that was true or not and I became very self conscious as I wondered if she had.

“Honestly Ally, You might be one of those angels you mentioned. I never thanked you for everything you did for me. I didn’t deserve it. I know that for certain.”

“Henry, don’t make me blush.”

“No, I mean it. I wasn’t well. I was actually very weary.”

“But here you are now, a new man; and it’s all happening.”

“…and here you are also, and everything is happening…always; just like you say,  and soon enough we will be suns and moons away. I’ve wondered if I will have regrets?”

“I don’t. I told myself it would never have worked out between us anyways. After you left I told myself that until I had beaten it away regardless. No need to drudge it back up, Henry. I accept us for what it is. I just want to enjoy our time together now before we both say goodbye. We know the rest of it already.”

“Yes we do.” I replied.

I tried to glean whether or not she was letting it slide for her benefit or for mine. Maybe it was for our mutual benefit. Whatever the reason it lifted the pall in the air that had descended momentarily by my sentimental musing. I think maybe I felt safe enough that I would be gone again the day after next so that it couldn’t make much of a difference me bringing it back up one way or the other.  Though maybe I was selfish to have done so with that understanding already; but i hoped I wasn’t.

“Good God, that friend of yours can set an eardrum on fire!” Gracie exclaimed as she walked back into the kitchen and unknowingly broke the sweet silence between her sister and I as she handed me my phone back. “His flight gets in tomorrow at 1. I told him to dress lightly. How did you ride a motorcycle in this heat, Henry? Jesus Christ, it’s hot.”

“It wasn’t much fun I can tell you that. Look at my ankles…” I said as I lifted my pant leg for them to see the blistering of my skin. “…thats from the heat rising up off the pavement.”

“Holy shit! You got those blisters from riding?” Gracie asked.

“Probably should’ve stopped to purchase a longer pair of socks I guess.” I said with a self deprecating chuckle.

“Yeah ol’ Gypsy out there doesn’t get out in this heat until well after it’s dark.” She said pointing towards the front door.

“Gracie has had that jeep since she graduated high school. She loves it like you love your motorcycle.” Ally continued.

“What year is it?” I asked nonchalantly trying to fully gauge Gracies age.

“Gypsy turned 10 last month. Still runs like new.” She replied. Gracie too had the Ross charismatic allure in spades. I snickered beneath my breath because I knew without question the second Johnny laid eyes on her he would be smitten. Understandably so. I was certain because I was too, really; only I understood perfectly that I couldn’t be, truly, so I stayed mindful. Gracie seemed to be even more care free than Ally was. I had gleaned that from both my brief observation that afternoon and from the stories Ally told me about her while she and I roamed the haunts of Austin together. But they were both like country songs though, and twice as pretty, man. And I wanted to go out on the town with them both because just being around the two of them was good for my well being and intoxicating in its own right. I even asked if they wanted to, as my treat for their hospitality, but they rebuffed my secret plans by saying they already had dinner all decided and wanted to stay in and relax. We all agreed to go out for dinner the following night once Johnny arrived and that was fine by me also. Ally mixed the Daiquiri’s next and I sipped from one of those as well and it was ideal. I could still feel the desert heat hot upon my skin as I sat there around the kitchen table with the two girls and listened in as they chatted and reminisced over stories of their own. I liked just sitting there and taking it in. It’s one of my favorite things to do honestly. Listen to others tell stories about their lives. Especially so when I am interested in those doing the talking and in that regard I was captivated with them both and was lapping up the way they talked with such implied foreknowledge and understanding like kin and close friends can do. I didn’t even consider interrupting them to gather more information. I liked the stories just as they were.

A third pitcher in, now with some mixture of both daiquiri and margarita being poured and tasting like a strawberry limeade with copious amounts of both rum and tequila I began to feel drunk and for the first time in a long time too and the girls were circling the bases on me and were happily drunk themselves and we were having a good time together. Gracie already felt like an old friend, and in just the way Ally had while I was in Austin with her; and Ally now felt more like an old lover in that we had a history that existed outside the current dynamic that had been left of its own devices far in the rear views. Though every once in a while Ally would glance at me in that way again but she was resolute not to let on and I rather admired her even more for it. I was all sort of bashful goshes anyways now as I let my head spin romantic notions in the web of mind as I sat their grinning and slanted. Hours passed in that way. I even excused myself to go take a nap and when I returned I swear it had to be a fourth pitcher, though they both said not, that was sitting on the table and they were giggling drunk themselves now and laughing at just about every half sentence that they muttered to each other.

“Henry’s awake!” Gracie said throwing an arm around my shoulder to hug me as I sat back down at the kitchen table while still wiping my eyelids. Ally didn’t even ask she just poured me another glass full and I didn’t even try and say no.  “Who’s ready to eat? I’m famished.” Gracie continued as she bat her eye lashes now pretending as though she were apparently a southern belle.

“What’s on the menu?”

“A proper Iowa steak and potatoes dinner, my dear.” She stated, keeping up her act; and I laughed as I shook my head assuming she clearly must’ve known Iowa was north of the Mason-Dixon.

“Gracie picked up filets and baked potatoes for dinner, Henry.” Ally informed me.

“Corn on the cob too, you heathen wench!” Her sister interjected as we all laughed and Gracie really laughed the loudest of us all and she had a great laugh too and then she covered her mouth with her hand and her eyes got big and she finished by confessing, “oh dear, I’m tipsy!” As she carried on giggling with herself.

Gracie didn’t have a grill so we cooked the steaks in a large cast iron skillet over the stove top. The corn we boiled in a pot next to it. The potatoes we sliced and tossed onto the skillet once the steaks had been cooked and were set cooling. The girls were now foregoing the mixes altogether and tossing back shots of tequila and lime and were bursting with energy and laughter and it filled the whole house and all I could do was smile also and feed off it and watch them go. We sat down to the meal and while we were eating Ally asked me to tell Gracie about meeting Jake the way I had.

Gracie immediately asked, “Was he handsome? I do love me a rugged mountain man.” And I fed her fantasy by telling her he was. “Did he have a beard? Tell me he had a beard. I love a man with a good beard.”

“Yes, Gracie, He had a beard.”

“Uh be still my beating heart.” She said as she leaned back into her chair and fanned herself sarcastically. “No seriously, Henry, I’m listening.” She said sitting back up in her seat and finally breaking character.

“Well like your sister mentioned… his name was Jake. He had served four tours overseas and when he came back home I guess he found that his girl had left him. And maybe there was more to it all and I’m sure there probably was; but whatever the true true, he was out there in his camper truck “hiding out” as he said. I think he’d been there for awhile too.”

“That’s the saddest thing. What kind of woman would do that? I feel so bad for the guy.”

“Yeah I did too. But he had this stoic quality about him. Like it was just something that he would have to grin and bear, and do so without too much complaining. Me, hell I’m all complaining, just ask your sister.” I continued as I laughed softly with myself hoping to add some levity to the story. “But the craziest thing was that he’s from Cedar Falls.”

“Cedar Falls, Iowa?”

“That’s the one.”

“I went to college in cedar falls.”

“That’s what your sister mentioned. He was closer to my age I’d guess so I doubt he was around when you were in school, but never the less,.. small world.”

“That’s so wild though. So his girl left him while he was overseas serving his country?”

“That’s my understanding. I invited him down here but he seemed intent on staying as far from society as possible.”

“My mountain man!” Gracie said mischievously.

“Yeah? Who knows, maybe so… I got a map somewhere I can leave you.”

“Oh, lord Henry, don’t go giving my sister that option. She’s liable to take you up on it.” Ally chimed in.

“Oh please, I’d never actually go and do something like that…but I can romanticize about it. No harm in that. You know how we were raised.” Gracie responded with a feverish laughter. And Ally just shook her head at her kid sister while I sat there digging into my steak and potatoes as I continued to enjoy their banter.

“What about you Henry, don’t lie, have you left any girls behind who might be missing you in the towns you’ve passed through?” Gracie asked turning the spotlight onto me. And I got nervous and tried to wiggle my way out of the awkward imposition quickly by saying,

“Me? …nah…well… aside from a girl I met for ice cream in Montana I guess. I can honestly say that it hasn’t been a focus of mine to seek romance on this ride. The land and my thoughts have been enough. I’m just trying to remain mindful of the things that were weighing me down to begin with so I can let go and move on.” Though as I said it I missed Aiyana. And as I sat there I knew I couldn’t say it aloud, and it made me ache in that moment too because I knew then, somehow also, that I would never see her again. And I wished it wasn’t true. But it has proven to be so.

“So you really are the hopeless romantic that Ally says you are?” Gracie prodded further, and now I could see that Ally had become noticeably uneasy also as she gave her sister that glare from across the kitchen table that we all know perfectly well before getting up from the table to go place her dish in the sink.

“I still think I am, yes. But I might have lost some aspect of that disposition here lately. Hard to tell just yet. I’ve always been a sucker for a good story. Maybe it will make a fool of me in the end. Maybe it already has. Who knows.”

“I’m going to go out back and sit on the patio.” Ally spoke up from across the kitchen where she stood at the counter with her back to us looking out the small window over the sink. I understood quite easily why she didn’t want to know where Gracie’s inquiry might lead. And once Ally was outside Gracie continued,

“You know I think Ally believes I’m a bit too free spirited sometimes. But really I just talk big. I mean sure I enjoy flattery and compliments, but who doesn’t. Thing is, I know the difference. I don’t think she gives me enough credit for that. The truth of it is that I am a hopeless romantic also. So is Ally, though I’m sure you know that already. But me,.. I seek authenticity. That’s the hardest thing to find these days in my opinion.”

“Authenticity? In what way?” I asked her.

“I resonate towards those who are unapologetically themselves.”

“Ahhh those folks are not so easy to find in this society.”

“This world may be doomed and damned, Henry; but there are still enough good people to change that, and those are the people I seek out in my life.”

“I admire that, Gracie.”

“My sister is one of those people. I know she believes you are one of those people too.”

“Well I’m certain the same goes for you as goes for Ally. As for me, I don’t have such confidence. I’ve become too aware of the darkness, I think. I feel it trying to annihilate me.”

“Thats because the darkness is drawn to the light.”

“Maybe so. But can a light endure on its own for long?”

“I don’t know. But thats why we must seek each other out now more than ever.  Isn’t that what you are doing, Henry? Thats what Ally believes you are doing.”

“I’m just trying not to lose myself to all this madness. I’m not ready for what is coming I don’t think. But I am prepared to stand up against it if it does.”

“Thats all anyone of us can do, Henry. You aren’t alone. Even if you’ve felt that way. You aren’t. Can I ask you,… Why did you leave Austin the way you did?”

“Because I wasn’t ready to stay.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“It’s not how it sounds, Gracie.”

“It never is. But thats the thing that bothers me most. These days everyone is terrified of the thing they desire most…” she said and then she paused to look away towards the sliding glass door that led out to the patio where her sister was.

“And what is that?” I finally asked her.

“True intimacy. Everyone is afraid to be vulnerable. You’re right, though. I think she was in love with you, but she won’t admit it to me and I’m sure she hasn’t admitted it to you either. She’s become so guarded since her engagement ended. Not wanting to hurt or be hurt like that again.”

“I sensed she had feelings while I was in Austin. I had feelings, too. But I also was holding on to my own heartbreak at the time, so I know in my bones the timing was not right. I too am tired of the hurt. And I would never want to cause your sister any pain. So when we found ourselves confronted by those feelings….I left. I worried I was being cowardly. But I don’t think it was cowardly. Not anymore. I think it was the right thing to do. Staying while in the condition I was in would have been cowardly. ”

“Why?” Gracie asked me.

“Because I was still falling apart at the time. And I needed to let go, and let it happen. I had to go to the woods. I may never be able to explain to anyone completely why that was nor what I experienced while I was there. But I had to go. If I hadn’t I would still be hanging on. So I can promise you that I do have love for your sister; but I get what you mean also, because I don’t want to find out if there is more between her and I than the friendship that saved me.… and I accept that. It is enough for me. And regardless, what does it matter now anyways? I am leaving again the day after tomorrow, and she is moving half way around the world soon thereafter.”

“I believe that it could’ve mattered then, Henry. But you’re right, I don’t think so now. Will you promise me one thing?”

“What’s that?”

“That you won’t confuse her while you’re here.  She doesn’t need to have her heart messed with. Will you promise me that?”

“I promise.”

“You let her decide how you two say goodbye. That's all I ask.” She said as she lifted her glass from the table and tipped it my way. “I love my sister and I won’t see her hurt if I can help it.”

“I feel the same way, Gracie.”

“Well then we will get along very well, you and I.” She said as she snickered before gulping the rest of her drink down with one big swig and slamming the colored glass back down on the table. I simply smiled at her. Once she had wiped her lips she smiled back at me.

“I get what she sees in you though. You are broken in all the ways a good country girl wants her man to be. And you ride a motorcycle too.” She continued to say as she laughed to further break the intensity of the moment and I laughed too.

“Yeah well, you just wait… Johnny is gonna fawn all over you tomorrow when he sees you.”

“Oh yeah,.. why’s that?”

“Because you too are broken in all the ways a good country boy wants his girl to be. And you drive a jeep.” And Gracie grinned at me secretly in the way the wild ones grin when someone sees them and understands their fragile yet beautiful madness as it is for what it is. And I grinned back. From outside Ally slid the glass door open and walked inside shaking her own empty glass. She was studying the room for clues.

“Touché.” Gracie said. Ally squinted her eyes at the both of us like she suspected we had in fact been talking about Austin and then asked,

“Touché? Touché what? What have I missed?”

“Oh Henry was just warning me about his friend, Johnny. And I told him he didn’t need to worry about me. I know how to fight them off.”

“Oh Jesus, Henry, she’s not lying. She can be downright cruel.”

“I’m not surprised by that in the least.”

“I’m a lone wolf too, you know.”

And, man, let me tell you she was. They both were, really. I admired that in them then just as I do now. It is intoxicating. I was slanted on tequila and rum, but I was drunk on the Ross sister’s allure. And I felt clean. And the room felt clean. And I was in love with the night too. I was just plain in love. In love with it all again. There was a Rainer Maria Rilke poem that boomed into my mind from the nowhere ether of the oscillating Universe as I sat there that evening in that small bungalow off Camelback Road in Scottsdale, Arizona. And when I couldn’t shake it loose I rather reached for my phone from my pocket and searched it out. Then I asked the girls if I could read it to them. And they both said yes.  So I began,

“God speaks to each of us as he makes us, then walks with us silently out of the night. These are the words we dimly hear: You, sent out beyond your recall, go to the limits of your longing. Embody me. Flare up like a flame and make big shadows I can move in. Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final. Don’t let yourself lose me. Nearby is the country they call life. You will know it by its seriousness. Give me your hand.” I spoke reciting the verse.

“And he recites poetry.” Gracie said as she winked at me so Ally couldn’t see her do it.

“I’ve always loved that quote. I’d never heard it in its full context before though. “ Ally said to us both.

“Hey,… Will you girls smoke a joint with me? ” I asked.

“Will I get paranoid? The last time I smoked was in college and I got really wigged out.” Gracie asked before deciding. And I laughed with her because I had the same relationship to cannabis back in my college days also.

“No paranoia! The stuff I have been collecting is pure nirvana.”

“I’m in then! An eye for an eye!” Gracie said. Ally looked at her sister with surprise. But not wanting to be the odd one out she agreed also. Seeing the two girls react as they did made me laugh further.

“I’ll walk back and get one quick from my bag and meet you girls outside.” I said as I stood up from the table still grinning. “Now the Ross sisters are smoking weed! What’s that you say again Ally?” I asked her rhetorically as I sauntered from the kitchen. “…oh yeah , ‘it's all happening’…” I hollered back over my shoulder as I scurried down the hall.

By the time I fished a joint out of my pack I could hear the sound of The Turnpike Troubadours “Diamonds and Gasoline” playing out of the speakers in the living room. When I walked back down the hallway from the bedroom I saw the girls had gone outside leaving only the screened door shut behind them so they could hear the music on the patio and they were dancing with each other while listening to the same sad lament in Evan Felker’s voice that Ally and I had danced to that night in Texas. I looked at her in the soft light beyond the screen and thought about the concert we’d seen together down at Gruene Hall before I knew she’d loved me and I left for the woods. And I felt a tinge in my heart.  So I quickly sparked the joint as I made my way to the patio hoping it would help me shift gears and forgive myself the wonder as to whether I had loved her also. And when we were all together beneath the faint light in the heat of the night we passed the joint around and afterwards we listened to music late into the wee hours. Each picking a song and going round and round. We shared the same taste in music too, most of the songs we all knew, and so sang together.

“I feel amazing!” Gracie called out into the void. And she turned to her sister and embraced her around the neck, “I’m going to miss you so terribly. You are my hero, really and truly you are.”

Ally became emotional and she hugged her sister tightly. She looked over to me like Gracies words had wounded her and her eyes looked so lovely in the glow of the distant city lights and the gooey incandescence from a row of Edison bulbs gangling off the wooden railing. I smiled softly, almost a sigh, as I peered back over to her.

“Tell her she can’t go, Henry!” Gracie implored of me.

“We both understand she has to go, Gracie.”

“How do you both know that?” Ally asked me.

“We just do. And you know we will both miss you. And we know you will miss us. But thats where your journey calls you.”

“Can’t I take you both with me?” Ally asked us.

“My home is here. I know it. I don’t know where I will end up but this land is my home.” I replied gently.

“…and one of us has to stay behind for mom and dad. They’d die if we both left.” Gracie finally responded.

The two sisters hugged again and then finally let go of one another while wiping the tears from their cheeks.

“Good Lord, Henry, you didn’t warn me this stuff would hit me like this.” Ally said as we all shared a chuckle.

“Its the good juju. Plant medicine. As old as time. God knows what’s up.” I said back to her.

“I really do feel so peaceful.”

“I do too.” Gracie agreed.

“I started smoking cannabis again while up at the cabin when I was figuring out how to pick up the pieces. I found it helped me begin to surrender the anger in my heart. Helped me sleep through the night too.”

“I’ve only known your kindness, Henry. I think you are way too hard on yourself. I’ve never understood how you can’t see that, yourself. Only the suffering. Because I see all that love. You’re the most complex man I’ve ever known.” Ally said to me.

“Complex? Maybe. But I think I just feel guilty.”

“Guilty? About what?”

“That I’ve always known better about what was going on, the right and the wrong of it; and didn’t say much. I just held on and went along for the ride. Took what was offered and was afraid to stand up. It doesn’t matter if you’re kind if you don’t do the right thing. Actions matter. Thats the way to salvation in my opinion.”

“You’re seeking God?”

“I am.”

“Then God is seeking you also.”

“I hope so.”

“Henry, you know your truth. Don’t be the fool for them. It’s not who you were meant to be.” Ally finally said and I simply gazed back towards her in perfect resonance and offered a slight grin.

Gracie had been silently listening and staring out at the night but she turned back to Ally and I saying,

“I want all of the conversations of my life to be like this one. Can you hear me God?!?!!? I’m calling you out!” She said as she peered away again into the ghost light of the dark. Ally and I averted our eyes over to Gracie as we both now grinned. I stepped towards Ally and put my arm around her and she lay her head against my shoulder. And Gracie finally sighed.

“Think of that poor Jake, fella. All alone out there tonight. Dear God, forgive me….I have no complaints.” She continued still searching the night. “You were right, Henry, no paranoia, just everything else. Let’s go inside. We can fall asleep watching my favorite movie on the couch.”

“What movie is that, Gracie?” I asked her.

“Legends of the Fall.” Ally answered me.

Once back inside, Gracie turned the movie on and we all got comfortable on the couch. The girls let me have the leg of the sectional so I could stretch out a bit, and they shared a blanket and cuddled the way girls sometimes do. The movie had barely started when I looked over again and the Ross sisters were already sleeping so I got up and turned off the tv and dimmed the lamp on the end table next to them. Then laying back down I played one more song just for myself. One last song. It was a tune from a band I’d just recently become acquainted with that went by the name Mandolin Orange at the time, though even that has changed now too; today the duo call themselves, Watchhouse, but regardless the song was The Wolves… “everything’s so great, can’t get better, makes me want to cry, …but I’ll go out howling at the moon tonight,”  and then I nodded off to sleep as well.